lovers’ tiff

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‘lovers’ tiff: a ballad’ to some extend is an exchange of words between Simon and Jacob. an argument that has never been resolved in its entirety.

how do you let go of someone who still bellows… clamors… rattles in your life? and you allow him because you like his clatter. it reminds you that your life, no matter how small, is a cluster of connections you’re bound to whether you know it or not. you’re someone else’s purpose, desire, need.

here’s the journey. join us for the strife.

© simon.jacob
© jacob greb + simon whittle

THE ARGUMENT: Part 1

simon’s narrative

ALLOWANCE
allow my heart to grow for you
don’t trample my animate love
and shove the idea out of my grasp
i know
i could never compare to her
her touch, her lips, her long brown hair
but
please
give me permission for my heart to fond over you
until the fire dies
the flame that only gains and thrives

TRAVELING HEART
i cannot be part of your traveling heart
between her touch and mine needs
you cannot cover my mouth and whisper into her ear
if i am to have you
i crave to have you whole
call me selfish
call me pitifully and desperately yearning
but i cannot share you
with her laughter and her nightly pillow talks
under sheets and in a dance
’cause you’re the only significant in my heart

jacob’s narrative

TORN
tear me to pieces
tear me to shreds
is that what you want?
torn between your pleading and her touch
torn between your pain and her happiness
my heart bleeds
with every scorn syllable
with every broken promise
and i have broken a few
not only for you
but for her, too
i’m not the tails or the heads
a coin tossed, a probability, a chance
i care for you
i care for her
i’m bound to both with the serpent blade
cutting myself with duty and love
cutting myself with commitment and time
your eyes
her smile
your wounds
her strength
your dancing hands because you’re afraid to touch me
as she holds and lifts me with every encouragement
i see you
i hear you
i know
i know
but i am one soul
unable to carry you both
not the same
not at all times
i want to
i try
but
i am simply tearing
but
i am simply exhausted and torn

NOT A HERO
please, don’t ask me to be your hero
i have stolen time to be who you needed me to be
and now i’m trembling ’cause i’m no longer me
a skeleton with nothing to give
as little as is returned for the feeding of my emptiness
i can barely breathe
and it’s not your fault, i understand
your hollowness is simply greater than the love i can retrieve
your pain is greater than the devotion i donate
please, don’t ask me to be your hero
we’ve been here once before
and you know how it ends

BRIBE MY GUILT
bribe me from my guilt
tell me that it’s okay to let you be
that you won’t hurt
that your heart won’t break
although i know it’s all false
and i’m drowning in this lie
to make my guilt weigh as little
to take your smile
and ignore the sadness in your eyes
to take your words
and shove your hand as you reach for my touch
bribe me with your distance
this way i won’t see
something less to deal with
take no responsibility for honesty
for my guilt
and i beg for forgiveness
my apologies are meaningless
they hold no key to turn the chain
and glue all the broken bits
bribe me from my guilt
tell me that it’s okay to let you go

TOP
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THE ARGUMENT: Part 2

simon’s narrative

FORGIVENESS
i don’t forgive you. i won’t forgive you, but i will try. well, that’s a lie. i don’t want you to skim around my feelings and cheat me. it’s not fair. it’s not right.

you claimed your love. you wrote it with a kiss and your tears. how can you not give us a try? the chance is not lost. your love is not lost.

i can’t forgive you for igniting the hope. for telling me that it’s in my soul. the capture. the intrigue. your love. the dare to spew such music and take the grant away.

i don’t forgive you. i can’t. i won’t.

TASTE
your taste. the cherry blossoms. the first day of spring. the birth reviving my life. my pulse dimmed but then your fingers brushed along my lower back, along my jaw, along the crane of my neck.

your taste. the maple syrup on the breakfast pancakes. the chirrup ballade of noon sun. my lips frowned a little but then your feet wrapped my toes, held them tight and warm, and your hair tangled near my cheeks.

jacob’s narrative

LIAR
i’m not a liar
don’t make it sound like i am
my love is true but inattentive
’cause yes, there is someone else
yes, i found someone new
you’re the one who walked away
you’re the one who said that you couldn’t stay
and bear to see my broken self
so, i didn’t ask
i didn’t beg and scream and shout
your weakness wasn’t my strength
what difference would it make
you left

BLAME
no blame and punishment for your grievance
no source of attack or anger
you did your best
you tried to mend and default your strength
but you needed me more
you craved what you could not repay
there’s no shame
and i understand
and i forgive
but please understand me
i deserve to falter and fall
scrape my knees and blister my soles
be fragile and brittle

so, please believe me
i don’t blame you
you couldn’t stay to cradle me and protect
you had your own demons to abate

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THE ARGUMENT: Part 3

simon’s narrative

UNDERSTANDING
understanding of my needs, of my temperaments
i never wanted to be the beggar for your heart
to be accused of being romantic and a fool
a label easily attached and dismissed
i was your sidekick and you were the beacon i answered
the statue i lean on when i’m trembling and fear
and i fear amassed heaps
a depth of an ocean
the fall from the skies
and the distance you strike
but yet, you’re so understanding
forgiving
pardoning my convictions and fines

MY CRIME
get angry
please, get angry
scream
shout
at least i’ll know you felt the pain
at least i’ll know i tore your heart as you tore mine
get quiet
please, get quiet
small
and crumble
at least i’ll know my words had impact
an impact of an asteroid hitting the coast of your guilt
be a nuisance and beg
crawl to my feet and shrivel
tell me i’m the one
that you were wrong, a mistake you regret
grab onto me and don’t let go
squeeze until i know you missed me with the equal supply
don’t apologize
because it doesn’t make it easier
don’t forgive me
because i’m not convicted although i have sinned
don’t be patient
because i need the fury to accept my resentment
my crime of giving you my heart

LEAVE YOUR BOOTS
love me more
love me now
love me from now on
don’t leave your boots outside like your vacant heart
the footprints to my soul and the smile
i gasp
your heavy exhale
the catch of an reimbursement of sentiments
a misplaced moment as i plead
why am i the only one fighting the war you create

leave your boots as a reminder
the heaviness of winter’s nights
the freeze of arctic breeze
you never gave me flowers because you knew
i would fold as you’d engulf me whole
and you said it’s wrong to be a captured bird
you wanted me free and complete
not a broken instrument, all gulped up in tears

toss your boots like sinking stone down to the pool
the murk that floods and envelopes the cupid’s arc
don’t argue it’s in my head
that it’s a fantasy and misconception
how hard is it to change your conversation and play
you said it once
reclaim your words and tell me they were true
a meaning i did not misheard

jacob’s narrative

NOW ON
your pain expressed in beautifully twisted vine of your strong words
the power in each exclamation
remember and i don’t deny it
because i loved you
maybe not in your terms, but i loved you
the definition you speak of
it’s the same
it’s the truth

i have listened
i have heard you
please, believe me
i felt pain, guilt, and the loneliness of longing, too
to deserve our dance

you are broken, as you proclaim, and it’s okay
i didn’t ask you to change
i simply ask, don’t ask me to remain the same
i couldn’t be the constant of my broken self
the spur of growth, inevitably what brought us to the echoing strife
but i won’t leave you behind
we are here, now, and from now on

SLIVER
you are the bewitching sliver i’ll cherish
unforgotten, shining bright
to this day i think of you
i never tossed your boots aside
as my feet remained planted at your gate
but you asked me to leave and shut the door
as the rain poured over my heart
it cracked a little and then a lot
but i had to be brave and forgiving
your hand has burnt too many times
you have sunk up to your knees
your heart was beating very weak
your mind the chaos it released
the sliver of my love that pained you so
it scathed you more than healed the wounds
abridged and unattached
it was easier to be a foe
you said it yourself

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THE ARGUMENT: Part 4

simon’s narrative

FIGHT
don’t tell me it was all for my own good
you should have fought
fought for us both
but you let me be
you let me walk away
take my battered heart
take my seeping mind
and watched me disappear
i didn’t know what to do
but i didn’t want you to give up
not so easily
not without a fight
don’t tell me it was all for my own good
it was the coward way to let love die
to let the bridge collapse and divide
the river banks as we stood
in distance, apart
knowing something could have flourished
something
i needed you to fight

jacob’s narrative

CORROSIVE
i couldn’t fight
i couldn’t burrow through bitter snow
my mind was corrosive, too
under the blanket it waged its war
struck me down and held me pinned
face to the ground
suffocating, barely any air to breathe
like the rusted nail submerging to the bottom of the cove
there might have been beauty all around
but all i saw was a dying self
decomposing and barely there
no strength to be someone else’s guiding light
i was weak, frightened, and unsure
don’t forget
you didn’t share
i didn’t know
the logic dictated to let you be
mend your wounds and give you time
why did i had to fight?
why did i had to hold that bridge?
all on my own without a guide
there are two sides
multiple piers that hold it up
and i was a single pivot spiraling out
i needed support
i couldn’t be brave
the warrior, the soldier you bluntly said
forge the pillars for you and myself
love takes two, not a one
love takes strength and guts
not a broken self
not a broken heart
and most definitely
not a corrosion that would eat both apart

SELFISH
you called me selfish
was that fair?
how much can i give
the self of selfish man?
if that’s the case
if i’m a selfish man
then
you were selfish, too
but please,
pull the trigger
by the hand that i adore
tell me what you really think
the spite and hate
for what i’ve endured
for what you’ve put me through
no, you don’t know
’cause i couldn’t speak
the words of pain snatched from my tongue
you didn’t want to know
you couldn’t bear to hear
reasons of silence i withheld
go ahead
call me the self of a selfish man

TIME
fight me
blame me
argue with me
it won’t change a thing
it is what it was
the time gone awry
we needed to heal
lick our wounds and think
consider what was left
and what was torn apart
time is selfish
it makes us who we are
we cannot amend, but we can append
we can make it better
or let the worse turn us to ash

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THE ARGUMENT: Part 5

simon’s narrative

SAFE
you made it all sound so safe and reasonable
the right decision, the right mark to stay apart
you’re not at fault
you are correct, error free
i made the call
i called it off
the forfeit before i lost
not the loss of you
but the loss of me
i was too wrapped up in self defeat
i tore apart
i am weak
and once more you remedy what i exchange
you take my obsession and turn it to reason
you take my wounds
and paste them before all of your retreats
all your pain and all your bruises
you are my strength
that is fair to say
that is the fight i am not willing to forgo
no matter how much we falter and fall

NEED
give it another rise
another chance, another go
if not with devotion than friends of battle
there is too much history to forget
we are here together again
the chamber that once went up in smoke
a second pass with caution and determination
alas
i know you’re not alone
you have her hand to keep and hold
the bravery to maintain it steady and firm
i applaud
all i ask, don’t erase me
i need you to put me back on course
the path to the righteous and fortitude
a mended wing and free
yielding all the beauty that once shared
i need to be strong
to keep the health of you and me awake

AMEND
share your wisdom on how to heal
amend the wrongs and append the rights
an education i wasn’t privy to
until you came along
i finally learned to feel
you gave me life, a breath, a voice to sing
until i ruined it all
fell too deep, too hard for your soul
suffocated our love
took the life, the breath, the voice away
please forgive me
for loving you too much, too constricted
i want to put away the chains
and let our love subside and remain candied memories
the sugar that made it all so sweet
the hard shell that contained us from the outside world

affix your wisdom on how to age
amend me, append us
tell me how to move forward with and without you
i need you but i don’t want to kill what we have
you’re my best friend
but i’m afraid i might take it too far
anger and hate ails me
teach me how to stop and make it go away
prescribe the scripture of how to aid me out
the darkness that begins to loom
the fear and worry of losing you
you know how i get lost and confused
sipping on gasoline, inhaling in the devastating fumes
i beg you,
please,
i beg you
help me to amend and repair me

jacob’s narrative

A FRIEND, INDEED
you soften my heart, melt it away
you creaked in, broke my bones
simply to enter without permission
but i had nothing to permit
i needed a friend indeed
you knew before i ever had the chance to see
you stood in front of me
not a whisper, only a stare
but you spoke a million
your smile, your laughter all to ease
the tasmanian devil inside my head
you swallowed him whole

you soften my heart, melt it away
you creaked in, broke my bones
and arranged them as they ought to be
i thank you
you are my friend and you will always be
that love has never left my side
and although my heart melts for someone new
i’m here listening, cuing in
i’m not sure how much i have to preach
my wisdom is tarnished by mistreats
but maybe you’re right
those are the best words to proceed

MEEK
the meek, they called, they shouted
but you knew better, you read me in an instant
you opened me up
you made me free to conquer the beasts
you say i’m brave
but you gave me the courage to exist
you don’t see the honour being my friend
but you deserve the happiness you beseech
i’m still the meek
with you, however, i’m honest, i’m me
you cradle the goodness and kindness
we all should receive
including you
the one who gave it all away as gratis
my token for once to smile and speak

FEAR
i’m sorry that i made you weak
it could have not been easy to amass the love
and yet
unable to set it free
fear makes us distant and unfamiliar
it guides us from the light and balance
i know
i used it as a tool, too
to hinder and breach trust we try to build
i couldn’t help you
i didn’t know how
that’s where my guilt lies the greatest
unable to fight for you to retreat
to woo you back and guide you from your fears

PAIN
pain is something to be endured
if it doesn’t kill
the lessons it evokes
only if we’re willing to learn
the trajectory of life
is no life without scars
i carry mine with pride
my skin is painted in them
and you kissed it all away
for once
i felt beautiful, wanted, craved
erased all that felt wrong
but without the pain
i would have not known
the value of love
because it sunk deeper
all the way to the core
i did not want to let go

WHAT IS PERSONAL
the fear of letting someone in
cascade all your vulnerabilities as a showcase
a display
and i would tear
scoop my knees to my chest
drop my head and hide my face
i couldn’t show the truth,
i was told not to be myself
the poison, the toxic, that withered allure away
who would adore me
if i’m not the hero in the play?

TOP
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MARRED PAST: Part 1

simon’s narrative

ROOTED TRUTHS
the hooded disguise
your hair sparsely covered your cobalt eyes
deep as an ocean, rich as the caves treasure filled
the revolver in your hand
although not real
always ready to pull the trigger
unpredictable and calm
you were the mystery ready for me to hunt
i wanted to know all
peel the infestation of secrets and gulls
expunge the truths rooted underneath the half-smirk
appease the whispers to my cure
i was drawn to you like the artist with his brush
mixing the colours on purpose
spilling the paint precisely as they should lay
next to each other with every curve
the curse of enchantment
you knew how to conceal and reveal your thoughts
one at the time, on purpose, precisely so
your calculated moves in the chess game
and i fell for it all

DICTIONARY OF YOU
the abundance of vocabulary in the dictionary
yet omitting the definition of you
to spell of who you were and who you didn’t want to be
you were hard to read
as the brick wall constructed in the centre of your town
no one went through, not even a secret pass
the code that would unfasten you from your guard
all in that morose silence
the darkness that followed you, your best friend
and you were attached to it, pinning your nails bound, affixed
and once you smiled, the light that shone through
a crumb of hope, brief and small, but there
existed for a moment for me to notice and retrieve
the hook that fed me for days on
until you took down one brick and placed it at my feet
a gesture of an invite to read you through
one word a time, a test of randomness
rarely making sense
but a word here, a word there
before you became a structure, a sentence to comprehend
you made me wait
but it was worth unpuzzling the puzzle you defined
once all scrambled, aimless words in a dictionary
now paragraphs of life and its states

MUTE
shhh… listen to no sound
listen to your every inhale
to your every exhale
that’s the only sound you make
because you have no words to share
no expressions to exchange
blank and unmoved
afraid to exist
hiding, disappearing, erasing your self
but i see you
i hear you
i understand

shhh… listen to the movement
is it gentle or heavy?
is it rushed, abrupt, swept like a feather in a gust?
you keep me guessing
but the graceful, serene, and delicate
touches are the best
you know when to apply them so well
you do them often and in stealth
so no one would notice
the tenderness
of your kind heart
always hidden, mute, invisible
a wallflower,
avoiding the limelight

MESMERIZING EYES
the piercing of your eyes
the ones that could express every sound
nothing has to be said
you translate it well
the frost bitten, the dewy, and the shattered
all in one slight change
one slight movement
what a difference it makes
a quiet grunt, a shift of your shoulders
the discomfort and the like
the loneliness and longing
the gentleness of the rounding when you’re kind
the sniffle as you cry
but always silent
always unsaid but i am able to comprehend
to decrypt the message in your eyes
the gesture of a saint
and the pain of the lost and harmed

jacob’s narrative

UNHOOK
how could i have escaped your stare?
the doe-eyed pup that followed me to the edge
how could i have unhooked you from your fate?
a persistent pest, but you weren’t a pest
you were a poet, patient, awaiting for your chance
i granted you hope as my gratitude
but you took it as a full fledged promise of faith
a pledge to never leave my side
share your virtues and plight
we were connected
how could i have escaped your stare?
how could i have unhooked you from your fate?
so, i swam up to you,
falling into your trap

SAY MORE
i could have listened to you all night
dictating my path
and you said plenty
filling the room with your champagne voice
the fables of your childhood
the woes of your present broken heart
the dreams of future becoming
at times to made me laugh
your silence wasn’t allowed
i needed you to speak for me
to make the emptiness disappear
as i sank quietly adoring your every tone
no pressure to reveal my truths
no expectations to falter at my existence
please keep on talking
spilling your fingers into the air
a proclamation of affection and trust
then you closed your lips
held them tight as i held my tighter
glued them shut
finally able to sleep
your lullabies were like kisses
joyous, adventures, and peaceful
the kind i liked
thank you
but please say more
keep on talking
i never had enough of your voice
making my mind melt with ease

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MARRED PAST: Part 2

simon’s narrative

SOAP DISH
remember the soap dish
the engravings read, ‘lover’s paradise’
we thought it was funny
but you bought it anyways
the clay that shattered as it hit the ground
hammered to bits
like treasure you gathered it all
and reassured me it would be patched together
chipped and all
and you’d love it all the same

jacob’s narrative

LOVE THE SAME
i loved it all the same
the splatter of our love, all a mess, but all the same
we jumped on the trampoline
springing from the base and then hitting the ceiling
we ran, the mimes of mimicry and mockery
but it was our world, just the two of us
we created our language, our rhythm
the routines to keep our heads above the water
not a burden or a plague
the slashes lined my wrist, the numbers exposed
the times my mind would spin into the vortex
breathe, breathe
your air filled my lungs
breathe, breathe
you were all that i needed
and you captured it all into your memory
on your mental flash-drive keeping the secrets
stashed it away until you retrieved something of yours
disclose your cherished misfortunes
the scent of something rotting
crying in my arms because the pain drilled through
and we drowned in mud
but you held my hand and i held your first
it didn’t matter
i was yours and i loved you all the same

BROKEN WORDS
my broken words
the swing from happiness to sadness
from a shout to nothingness, empty air
as the moon lifted her eyes
drowning me in the soft light
and you cradled in me your arms
the blanket that stitched all the wounds
from the barbwire that held me in a chokehold
escape the demons in the fairy tales
i had to say nothing
and nothing i said
but you translated my silence and my numbness
transcribed it with every movement of your lips
with your smile, your frown, held and parted
pushed me to open my wings
and you, my wind, lifted and carried
my broken words
with patience and guidance
to express what i needed to hear
and you listened and empathised
we held the same torn world in snippets
until it all made sense
and we were one, connected, chained to each other
shouting the same broken words
in silence, in whispers, in endless conversations
until the moon shut her eyes
until we were told to sit apart
until we were told we are too attached
until…
morning once again turned to night

CHAOS
annul my chaos and forgive me for all my mishaps
you did

‘what it’s like?’ you asked, ‘the darkness that spins me to the tunnel?’
‘the orbit of a black hole?’

‘there,’ i said, ‘it all begins’

the pull
where the winter snow seems to fall in the summer
and the sky seems to bleed parachutes in flavour of buzz blue
and the laughter of the strangers amplifies the hate that i endure
because i’m the only one to blame
my actions, as innocent they may appear, make me guilty of existence
my existence

how do i tell myself, i am worthy, i am kind
i am a treasure for you to cherish and behold
when i don’t hold a value of self
and the winter follows me around, the wound that never scabs

no amount of screaming tunes out the voices inside
no amount of silence puts the puzzle pieces back right

the only thing
you always asked, ‘what it’s like to survive the chaos that slices me apart?”

‘you,’ i answered, ‘your chaos assembles me into one.’

let the snow fall in summer
let the sky weep in crimson as the parachutes cover the sands
let the laughter of strangers be nothing more than an echo of your heart
let my actions lead me down the road to a treasure chest filled with love

delete the expectations
learn
we are an infinity of imperfections and resilient beauty
fighting
united
less like cowards but brave souls, the soldiers inside our chaos

TOP
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MARRED PAST: Part 3

simon’s narrative

THE TRENCHES
the well of toxic water
the drool that mixed with mud
not even trees could keep the sound out
waiting for our funerals
waiting for the next tsunami wave to crash into us
for the tide to drive our bodies to the ocean
swallow us under
but we cannot swim
the surface seems so far away, unreachable paradise
and we float in the trenches
awaiting the end of our film

PILLAGE
brush my guilt
as the sneer punctured my innocence
the vermin that paralyzed with his poison
the scoundrel with his tricks
a weapon of gifts and attention
to subdue my blushed youth
i became changed
utilized like a tool
but the game was rigged
as the sore looser, i walked away
drenched with crimson sweat and pitied
here i stand
naked
as i never gave up
punctuated with my fists
the fruitless fight
he still gained the ownership of my flesh
wires and a bolt, break free
you shared a similar fate
the tales of what was taken by force and grit
they constructed this grid to entrap us
pillaging what remains of us by our own
shame —

UMBRELLAS
we stood under the umbrellas of punishment
the weight that crushed our spines
pushed and pulled like we had no self that bruised and tore
misguided and then blamed for someone else’s mistakes
we simply learned to treat ourselves unkind
but umbrellas are fragile things
one sweeping gust and the fabric rips from its frame, the metal bends
and it becomes a useless shelter from the lashing rain
as the puddle of tears collected around our feet
all we did is tremble with defeat
from the cold in their shouts and abuse
but we wiped our tears aside
and pulled the canopy over its broken rib
mending it for a moment to march out of the flood
a temporary relief
sometimes it’s enough for redemption and pride

jacob’s narrative

WALKING DEAD
i understand
the shade that kept us in the dark
the hooded devil that tagged our skins with tattoos
walking dead, submerged bodies dug out from the ground
chasing after darkness to consume us
the air failed us
the smog that suffocated our lungs
the cloud of noise inside our minds
we beckoned to lift our souls
for we have been walking down the pavements
as the brick collapsed at our fight
we smiled because we were asked to smile
we spoke because they said they’ll listen
chanting our hymns
yet there was nothing of us at least
the sinking of the heaven’s hand held us down
the hell pulled us to the pit
as we dug through the wreckage
change the gear, bridge the gap, and toss us a raft

I KNOW
i know
i know what it takes to lose the sense
to not owe your own body and soul
i know how it feels to have your innocence ripped
and bleed for years after the horrendous play
the display of your faults and disgust
the cuts and bruises that you inflict on yourself
it’s not easy to abdicate
and chew your own remains

i know
i know

CONFIDE, CONFIDENCE
to reciprocate the secret of an abridged life
out of the league
the arc as the film snaps at the pivot
the trembling hands
reluctant to bathe the dirt that remained
train me to trust you
i will confide all of me
but please be my confidante
don’t share, don’t whisper it all away
to amuse what’s not yours to ration
trust is gained with respect
the mutual insight to understand
build the confidence to be friends
and you’ve passed the exam
you made it all happen
simply because you stayed
briefed your scars
lined them up on the shelves
secrets of your abridged life
the sense of inability to fit and outnumbered
the arc of the title snapped in half

TOP
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MARRED PAST: Part 4

simon’s narrative

WEAR MY PERFUME
like the kaftan, he pulls on top
tries my skin because it’s a maze
his discovery
although, he’s been here before
burrowing through innocent land
the ship that carved through the same waters every day
as he wore me as his perfume
the zipline to the feverish desire’s end
but the battle only begins
brewing, crafting under his touch
my body dormant and unspoiled, only his indulgent impulse
picked at me, carved into me
but i will not divulge and fold
the secrets i keep in my holster
he has done his number
your challenge
undo the craters his hands constantly embarked
and wash his perfume off of me

INDIGO WRECKAGE
carriage of misdeeds… carnage and wrath
the nights you held my indigo wreckage
as i pined to fill my empty heart
with anything you might have conceived
coloured in my blank silhouette
and erased my misfortune childhood
opened the new chapter in this novel of mine
because of you, i dusted myself off
picked myself up and finally stood upright
strength to face the indigo wreckage
that kept me faltering, hiding behind a disguise
you say, don’t call you a hero
but how else can i define one who has given me time
who battled the dragons by my side
fell into the glacial ocean and emitted warmth
with a single stare
with a single word
with a single touch

FIND MY SOUL
find my soul underneath all the soil
break through the concrete of my coffin
wage a war against my depleted self
your fingers, a brush dipped in paint
coating over the blemishes inside
you haven’t put them there
but you managed to ease the spoils
an attentive ear to my song of woes
you have the perfect recipe
a mixture of kind gaze and divine words
the leisure of your mystic touch
don’t let go
hold on tight
i’m somewhere here, missing
please, find my soul and confine it
own it as your most scarce possession

ENTRUST
entrust me with your wisdom
because you have plenty to dispense
a beacon to guide me from confiscated years
but it’s all irrelevant
you and i stay, frozen
enchanted, facing the honesty in our eyes
prohibited to let our gazes fall
denied to flinch
your hand under your cheek
your head to the pillow
and we lie, bound in a metaphysical embrace
how close and afar we can rest
but permanently inescapable to the cascade
of your smile, your voice
my mind-boggling plunge into your presence
existence of the majestic
as i have given all of my trust
into the safety and guard of your hands
reckoning mysteries of your day
and i vow to you entirely

jacob’s narrative

RISING STAR
loaded with garnished words
all the praise and faith
the voyage to extract my obliterated courage
an adhesive that held us together
you were my rising star
a spotlight that made all the audience disappear
with your umbrella flying us up to the sky
soaring through the clouds up to the moon
as you hung on every word i claimed
a rehearsal to conquer our tarnished souls
and emerge less injured and slightly brave

ORNAMENT
like ornaments hung on the tree
shiny and admired
brightening the gloomy days of winter
bringing life to those disposed
before we are put away, kept from the light
so the crust doesn’t thicken and spot black
the happy mood doesn’t chase me
a peril we unwillingly subscribed to
tapering us off at the access to manhood
because like an ornament
we were fragile, easily broken
once imperfect to glisten and bring joy
we were swept, disposable, and tossed away

ROTTEN
the screams haunt me
the nights are bearable
the smell of rain washing the dread
shoveled to the side
wasted and shriveled
no one wants to bite into a bruised fruit
rotting inside
how do i uncover my spoiled self
and wait for the jury to deliberate

you didn’t care
you absorbed it all
the undertaking to weave a happier story

WAR
the grenade that detonates
with every spoken truth and bridges two souls
patching the wounds from the extracted venom
our bodies laid disparaged in drought
as the brigade gained the land
the battle that raged upon our gates
but in a distance a voice calling out the honor in our names
the muzzled narrative rupturing
holding a sharp pen and ready for combat
cleanse all that has been detested
exude the power to ban the war
and rise reborn

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SOMETHING SACRED: Part 1

simon’s narrative

LOST MESSAGE
let’s redirect the anecdote
remember the moment of beauty and calm
the violence has gained much of our time
the pain that ravished the days
let’s not lose the message
love is greater to recall
easier to digest and honor
a patch of green pasture births hope
and among all of our history
the desert will replenish with seeds
as the rain feeds and fuels the rage to carry on

stand beside me
let’s fight together
let’s win this war
let the message thrive that love is not lost
it’s the only thing that kept us here

OUR DANCE
we danced in stares
the mystic mist of gestures and intentions
rearranging the silence from awkward to familiar
brush my hands against yours and you would hold it the same
tomorrow
an invitation for another lingering bide
until i reached out to bridge the space
briefly but significant
and you never withdrew, not a flicker of doubt
not a flinch or false alarm
but that’s all it was
a space filled with my attempt
not exchange by your means
not even a refund of anger and guilt
you played the strings of my heart
i danced to the beat of chronic secrets in your eyes
as you let your gaze fall into mine

WHIRLWIND OF DESIRES
the butterflies flutter their wings
the music to the romance that gently began
slow dance nipping at my soul
how easy it was to talk, blast my naiveté
paint me a picture of rain cooling my sunkissed skin
eskimo kiss and a peck on a forehead
a friendly reassurance
but i want more, the eagerness frailly contained
engage me with your touch
let the run become wild and reckless
let the ingrained caution flee its co-op
hindsight of short-lived bliss and infatuation
but let it be ours, let it be mine
for once, let it exist
novice to the noise of love and desires
the tyrant with tame voice
singing inside of me, fireworks and all that nonsense
but i want my body weightlessly drift to the ground
as the impact soothes a lullaby
and i’m in a celestial realm sinking into your skin

don’t let go

jacob’s narrative

MORE THAN WORDS
the mistake we withdraw from the moral of the story
and the anticipation of conclusion leaves us a little hurt
because it’s not what we wanted
not what our world turned out to be
only you, the lovely one, can switch my smile back on
and no words are needed to translate
as the held air in your chest
a telltale of the volume of your comfort and happiness
that your lips broaden to a charming grin unexpectedly
and i’m okay with that
dipping into the expression of your hands
as they sway to the lyrics of the song you elaborate
toss the pebbles across the pond
make a wrinkle in my still body
turn the key, open the secrets and solve the puzzle
blindfolded, i will follow you to the outer world
as you guide me through the terrain
hold your gaze and hush my worries only with one exhale

SILENCE
what do i say
how do i say it
i am yours in silence
nothing else is required
your longing fingers engrave my spine
your warm embrace keeps me from collapsing into a black hole
hold me tight
don’t speak a word
i know
i understand it all
in the simplest of exchange

A HELD STARE
i knew what it meant
hinged on tempting to fold my cards
a hurricane to turn everything upside down
my head is a pool of anxiety
as your laughter exclaims i put a curse on you
and that makes it all better
i’m not the only one trapped in the enchantment
enamored by the depth inside a hold
a mirror of my every move
an inhale to my exhale
a rainbow in my thunderstorm
that wink and a crooked smile
as the pillow flew through the air in a fight
you stuck your tongue out and eased the day
the play, the mischief, we were bound
the snowball thrown; the water splashed
jumping in joy
shoving me to the front of the line, bold strides
but nothing compared to the lock of our eyes
i knew what it meant
an open book to read my mind
and i let you decipher the passages in a held stare
unwilling to drop the link and withhold my guard

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SOMETHING SACRED: Part 2

simon’s narrative

TEMPT ME
the needle prick and i thread it through
might as well end the act
tell me to close my eyes
and take me away to your neverland
carry the spirit of a bird
free to shoot with rockets across the sky
intimidate me with your immaculate smile
i’m smitten and in flames
roll the dice
i give you permission to explore
be my king and i’ll be your subject
and you jump into the air and burst with laughter
a blade to my heart
spin me to your arms
and i’ll swim in the infinity
fall out of my formation
because everything about you is my seduction
but we always stand at arm’s length
dare to touch me
i beg of you
tempt me if only for once

AN ADDICT
strike me like a match and whisper your prayers
let me be yours and love you to the moon and back
what an obvious thorn on a throne
but i like how it pricks and scars
because it’s something of you left behind
the medicine to my shaking hands
to my trembling heart
let your serum fill my veins
confiscate my common sense
as i wash ashore, the island of you and i
you own my life and don’t mind
take everything and all
as long as you embrace me within your warmth
defeat is not an option but my prerequisite
compared to the measure of your kingdom
and i get drunk in your shelter
inhale your spent air
don’t let me suffocate and crumble
let me crawl to be near you, my friend
let me be the trash you tossed aside
because once you held me in your hand
you are my compulsory drug

jacob’s narrative

DELIBERATE
settled beside me, deprived and hungry
you knew how to get me rattled
open the jar and let my butterflies scatter
my restraints perish in your begging eyes
the fight, an overwhelming battle
to keep my composure and delight
you nestle under my arm for a moment
the fever you implore
hoping you could ignite the fire
and you lit the flame
but i did not dare to reach out and touch you
the caution was greater than the ban
the fear that set your skin off-limits
but you would press to my side
holding out your hands for me to catch
twist your finger around mine
the mime who spoke volumes with stealth acts
a gentle graze, a gentle brush
to embrace the scent of my skin
and wake it from its slumber

COLLIDING PLANETS
the crash that fused two souls together
the bang that roared and filled the empty space
the blast that lit the bleak and pitch black sky
the residue that floated like stars around us
the rush of slowing time
the breakage of barriers and crusts
the trials that blend all the wrongs to rights
the majestic sight of gold and hush
collide into my heart
like the inescapable planet you are

TOUCH
feast on my chaos and dread
tame my misguided tongue
sign my life to yours
simply with the virgin touch
the one that made my skin quiver
wander with your fingers through my awaken flesh
wedge your lips between my hands covering my cowering eyes
whisper ‘i love you’,
once, twice
to ensure i heard you
as my heart paced to the finish line

the music of your voice
the caress
touch
all the pain gone with an embrace
a hold
it was a struggle to let go
to allow such simple expression be explored
violate the sanctity of our friendship
all foregone

we are
collision
marriage
love
and lull

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SOMETHING SACRED: Part 3

simon’s narrative

PERMISSION
crave me
touch me
touch my soul
you have every permission
a consensus to engage my skin
with the translucence of your fingers
all so new
all so scary
but it’s safe
you are safe
subtract the tragedy and quaint mystery
add the flare of familiarity and allowance
we deserve a bit of happiness
let that be our mantra

repeat that in my head
hundred times
multiple times

you’re not a pillager but my saviour
and I authorize you to take me
bind me
guide me
i am all yours

COMPLIANT
i vow to obey and stand still
indulge you to make the first move
to take the first plunge
and silence the tidal wave
demolish the echoes
as i will not strike until i’m permitted
to subscribe to you
to follow your stare
and meet you half way

jacob’s narrative

WITNESS
i was the witness to your unfolding
you are the one who seduced me
put a spell with your wit
by handing in the permission slip
the canvass of willingness and ripe
you always held on tight
not a breach in our exchange
i was your precious cargo kept near

i was the witness when
you were the thief of my heart
and refused to return it without a prize
hanged your arm over my shoulder
and whispered the sweet nothings
and like an antidote
mutating my mess into
sunshine and spring breeze
powerless to refuse your entry
because i was left with nothing
to prevent you from breaking in

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SOMETHING SACRED: Part 4

simon’s narrative

CAUTION
please take the plunge into my heart
swim in the depths of my thoughts
throw your worries into the wind
let them fly into the abyss
’cause I don’t care
be careless, be reckless
as long as you with me
standing in the pool

but, please take the plunge
let me know how it feels to be loved
to be needed
i’ll wait in the rain
if that is what it takes

MY BODY
don’t withhold
don’t make me beg
don’t please my body because i want you to
crave it because you desire to hold me
don’t let me tell you what to do
what you should do
take the charge and enchant my skin on your whim
the fantasy you would like to come true
i cannot wait no longer
take my body
it’s all yours

jacob’s narrative

CAUTION
fear knocked on my heart
because i liked you
the thought
you’re the porcelain i might break
but you’re only worthy of diamonds
i couldn’t afford
i couldn’t shower your heart’s desires

all your incentive and allowance
to splurge throughout the night
only made the climb steeper
to be a step ahead of the allure
and retain the innocence
free of conviction
disappointment
and hurt

my caution
the safeguard from the whim
that makes a foe of a friend
and lugs the baggage without grace
a risk i wasn’t willing to take
you were too precious
to falter and fail

CONSENT
your body is not for me to own and conquer
no matter the permission slip
but a constitution to cherish and honour

it isn’t my right to pillage and ravage
and it’s not my way and tact
no matter the temptation

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SOMETHING SACRED: Part 5

simon’s narrative

JOURNEY
you took me on a ride
the magic carpet that swept
and whizzed us to the paradise
the wizardry that clouded my eyes
everything shone brighter
everything sounded like a love song
and I’m grateful for it
time captured and suspended
it was you and i
clamoring through the space
held on the podium as a gift
a journey
to find a love as yours

KISS
waiting for the ticking bomb to detonate
before i exhale
capture the spoiled image of me
and reimburse me for its effect with a kiss
you said, ‘i looked pitiful’
and those were the kindest words uttered
as i was a complete fool for you
i thought you’ve never noticed
i thought you’ve forgotten
but there
you held me in time
your lips, my lips, one
and i vanished
diving into every fiber of your touch

PALACE
captive in a chamber
all of your desires
but then one day
as the wind whistled through
the hollow fields
you pry opened the gate
the damsel in distress escaped
the walls faded and crumbled
nothing between us
no past
all the permission, all gone
unchained to finally be free
willing to take the dance with me
the us
the palace of great grandeur
no one else held the key

jacob’s narrative

COVE
i swam up to the shore
after battling the waves for days
and at last i felt safe
as your arms scooped me up
the sun that warmed my face
and lit the way
out of the dangerous cove
sand between my toes
smoothed away the cracks
not a light decision to follow
but you led the way
and i caved in
to what i knew all along
if only i allowed
the waves to carry me home
to you
from the beginning

SOMETHING SACRED
to share a united moment
something i owe you
but not at this hour
you are the thread that stitched my heart
and held me oh so tight
touch
so simple
yet can be gentle or frightening
and i was a coward
to relay the experience
but you waited patiently
for me to wake up and see
the colours of the morning
as the sun kissed the moon
your touch
so simple
yet precious and pure
gracious-est soul ever found
and for the first time
i took the leap
and brushed your gaze away
with my touch

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SOMETHING SACRED: Part 6

simon’s narrative

SMILE
smile my day away
i don’t care
if i get lost with you
the hands tick another minute
and i’m here resting
reading through the pages of your wit
wager another bet
as to when you’ll make me laugh next
because my cheeks have not stop burning
as i smile my day away
listening to your chatter

GUITAR
strum another verse
to sooth your worries
and calm my nerves
spin another familiar tale
for the day to go by
but your song is my fortress
the soundtrack to my life
so sing it away
and place it on the shelf
display your love for all to see
your love for me

strum another verse
as my heart beats a little slower
as your fingers shine a little brighter
your voice that showers and pledges
to keep me safe from harm
a tune that bellows through the ground
and helps me find a place of my own
my home
you’re my home

strum another verse
the guitar hangs to your side
your fingers stop to drum
your foot stops to tap
an exhale
an exhausted mind
and then
no more sound
a sparse space
and you and i

I AM LOVED
say it to me sweetly, slowly
repeat it for the thousandth time
those three little words

i love you
i love you

the lyrical
the musical rhythm
the sugar cane and rose’s blush
unparalleled to the love you exude

spoils and spells
you are my one and only
allowed to embrace my hand
my soul
every morning
every minute of the day

i am loved
i am loved by you

if only i could shout
as loud as the rolling thunder
and tremble the earth with my happiness

say it one more time
whisper if you can

i love you
i love you

a chained exchange
the one i don’t want to escape
only drown the scented day
with your detonating phrase

i love you
i love you

i am loved
i am loved by you

jacob’s narrative

PASSING
grace my day with your presence
thief of my heart
it’s always warmest with you in my bed
climb under the pillows and fall asleep to my lullabies
drift with me through our dreams
as the hours pass
align your loaded mind and fuel the mystery
time is yours to take and replenish
no pain
no fear or doubt on my part
as you dance with a smile in my arms
brush the hair from your eyes to get a better glance

my companion
my best friend
my lover
my gain

you’re the one that rests on my side
and falls asleep to the beat of my heart

no time can be stolen or forgotten
no regret but a cherished soul
unearth a memory and hold it for eternity
uncage the chance
time has no upper hand
we never gave it away
we took it and froze the days
because the passage would have been all the same
with you in an embrace
in a dance
in the moments we loved and fought
in all the good and bad
as long as it was you with me
in the passing of time

LOVE YOU
i love you
i love you
i will whisper it as many times as you’d like
the loop of my affection
the never ending
never dismissing
almost an obsession
a decline of my armor

i love you
i love you
the fever and the storm
as we chase the nights with laugher and a drink
trace the path and i will follow
above the surface and into the caves
stand washed by the sun and the moons
fading

i love you
i love you
i’ll keep the fire burning
as long as you’d like to hear the crackling
my footsteps and blanket afternoons
my guitar and your humming
a photo snapped for a keepsake
and all the sweet nothings

what a pair?

i love you
i love you
for the thousandth time

i love you
i love you
never forget

i love you
i love you
i…

❤️

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SOMETHING SACRED: Part 7

simon’s narrative

KISS
at last
here we are
declare your lips upon mine
let the earthquake shake through me
as the electrical storm makes across my skin
knit your fingers into my hair
pull me closer
the void distance between my breath and your mouth
kiss my blush cheek, my neck, my fleeing heart
make your way to my trembling arms
and dive into my palms
remove another layer
and hide beneath
ergo, the hunger
i’m your main attraction
forget being malicious
ignore the suspicion
i, but nothing, cannot resist
pine what’s purest and honest
the trust, unbound and limitless
take my hand and pin it to your chest
say it’s your home
then let me go, set me free
allow me to guide and persist
the fever, the controlled fire
as it sets gradually and within perimeters
like teenagers
setting boundaries and permissions
curiosity, a new experience
but you wouldn’t allow my lips to escape yours
one simple and absolute bliss
the most important act in the play
your seductive
your innocent
your captivating
your warmest
kiss

THIRST
it’s not foreplay or tease
it’s not carnal or garish
an invitation of honesty and generosity
the innocence tempers on celestial
your wings unfurl and welcome me to your home
an angel and his wreckage
follow the golden fields
lead me to the spring to subdue my thirst
as the tears tumble through the barriers
the sunshine breaks in and assembles the map
draw the line straight to my calm
the ease to quell my pain and make it all better
your fingers dance painting the air
carving the heaven for me
because that’s all i ask you to be
my saviour, my hero
reconstruct my failing cravings
and build me up from the ethereal soil

AFTER EFFECTS
fear and qualm
where has peace run away to?
we have set new rules
how do i contain my feelings without breaking into pieces?
how does one disengage from love after the exploration is complete?
the attraction
the addiction
utter my name in confidence and let me falter
don’t break my heart and don’t let it wither away
from this pain
the enigma that sets as fog
restless
careless
put me back as a whole as the seams perforate
the savior that parachutes in my hour of need
but then the emptiness seeps
cower in a corner and scream
i’m unloved and you’re insensitive
no matter the truth
what lies in my head will remain as real
although i’m drowning in your love
never the same before the abyss
the bottomless chasm of your kindness and mirth
chaos and doubt
myself, a fuzzy reflection, duplicity
the aftereffect of your otherworldly touch
surreal
i did not restrict
let you conquer my body, my sin
at first i was at peace
and now i cry without a pause
a disease
interminably

jacob’s narrative

COMFORT, THE MOVE
letting go and plunge into the joy ride
chase the day with a muse
that we end up at the edge of the world
without a map as our guide
the engine that rattles across the ocean
the love letter that reaches every noon
abandon all of my worries
you’re the one i’ll follow
i’m okay with the rustle of the leaves
nothing scares me when i’m near you
i trust you to take me through the forest
and survive the battle day
hungry we will never be
howl like the wolves in their camp
i’m defeated
your love has conquered me
madness for the mad
and i don’t care to rip the bandages off
let me feel your naked skin
nothing to resist
an exchange and repayment of your affection
you have given me entities for days
now it’s my turn to shower you with roses
proceed as a lover and a fool
and i’m a complete fool for you

THE FIRSTS
first glance
first whisper
first words
first touch
first holding of hands
first kiss
first love

let me stamp us as official
the intimacy that we declared
last night, a broadcast of the first
slip your nails across my chest
whisper, more
the pain and the pleasure
cancel out
the noise, the hum, and dive
your lips, your tongue
high and a blur
awake in your divine
bliss
and the moments pass
shared and permanently imprinted
sacred first
embraced through the rain
until the moon settles for the morning dew
silence that speaks loud
washed in love
undivided attention
fingers touch and part, crave and sweep
across the bare skin
whisper, stop
and i listen to your woes
the stories told many times before
but all new meaning rests
our beginning
hold true and first

AFTER EFFECTS
morning, the tiresome expenditures
it’s all the same
it’s all the different
and you smile
it’s all right
that wink, that gesture
the satisfactory end of the unplanned adventure
the music fills the kitchen
and you sway singing along
snapping your fingers to the base
seductive and playful
i catch your next step and join
a brief union of delight
before your eyes petition
‘what have we done’
the curse of an incurable mind
but i overrule the unneeded conduct
‘don’t’
‘stay in the moment’
the ease must outweigh the doubt
catch your breath
and glue your lost stare onto my face
welcome the courage of my plea
happiness
no ruin of what have been
and where it will lead
up the mountain to the clouds
you’re mine
only if for now

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HEARTBREAK: Part 1

simon’s narrative

FEAR
the hand that choke-held my mind
the prisoner that i create
love can hurt no matter how beautiful
if one’s unkind to the belief
the self-worth escapes in episodes
patch it for a brief moment
but it tends to tear apart if one is weak
the fight doesn’t hold an equal value
to overcome the overwhelming fear
i’m on my knees
begging you to forgive me
only to whisper
it begins with self absolution of any misdeeds
no matter the fault
the accuser or the accused
you won’t leave
but how do I believe?
if i believe i’m the criminal of the crime i did not commit
the terror that love won’t remain
that my pain is the hurt i give
cause you harm and mistreat
nonetheless the warmth and comfort i receive
the vow that united and cemented our souls
fear
the dreadful thing
spills the doubts and questions what is real

DISTANCE
a momentary relief
the distance i drew between us
like a weapon and a shield
whimpering in wounds and woes
the endless road won’t fix me
but it’s what i believe
the reckoning of my delusions
please fall and chain my feet
turn my mind upside down
switch the reality on as your love is real
and i push away because refuge calls my name
but it’s all nonsense
i know, only if i could perish my disease
wipe my tears and let you get near
crawl under my skin
and no matter that my hands immerse into yours
the distance pulls me to extinction
it’s easier to dwell in scrutiny and isolation
blame all the faults of others
be the innocent bystander of my sins
and bid farewell without mercy

NEVER ENDING AFFAIR
i jump into the muddy grit
and let it seep into my heels
into the wounds and blood
contaminating me with guilt
can’t let you go
can’t let you heal
i rather disappear
but it never ends
the thought of you
resting at the back of my mind
always and forever
i have done you wrong
and i call you in my need
i’m sorry
please answer and put the smile on
no matter how much it hurts
my need for you is stronger than my guilt
i am sick
the loop that soils you and me
our affair was so sweet
but it also burned and cut
all because my mind couldn’t cope
with all of your love
when it was perfect, it was perfect
and when you faltered, i faltered, too
i couldn’t lift you
if anything i shattered and failed
to keep that faith and hope
all the wonders one would like to believe
because i’m unwell
but please don’t let go
the never-ending tale of our love
it remains always in my tears

jacob’s narrative

MADDENING ROUTINE
i pray and cry
the pills ease the morning
the nights turn to a desperate hell
the spot next to me, empty
and i coil in disbelief
how can this be?
loneliness is my new friend
i have made good with the pain, my enemy
well, at least the numbness makes it bearable
what is there left to feel?
i rely on these lies to live
but it’s all the same
it’s all the same routine
the harvest has been reaped
the grass all fed, gone for the season
the anguish of hunger and disease
the reminder that remains
of your scent, of your breath
of your voice as the telephone rings
the end of summer and the sun
the rainbows turn grey and disappear
but my mind keeps on spinning
the madness that it produces and receives
the food doesn’t taste the same
the love songs lost their meaning
and sad ones are best left in the gutter
no more sleep
days bleed and i miss you
but then the anger overturns my thoughts
and nothing makes sense
the reality becomes a dim light
and i close my eyes only to think of us
and i pray and cry
all the same
all in the maddening routine

THE END OF HEARTBREAK
you destroyed the democracy of my joyful heart
drown my reason in the pool of fears
then convert them to lies in my torn mind
would blame heal?
anger is the stronger soldier to wage the war at the moment
whether with you
whether with myself
but the battle is an inevitable prerequisite
thus, it begins
single words weaved together
to make a claim and cause the fated agony
i should have not given you my trust
it hurts too much
but no one escaped unharmed
yes, i’m angry
how did we let this get away from us?
failure was not an option, not a quiver or a blast
we should have fought ’til hell and back
rise
not simply say goodbyes as cowards, defeated and scared
why did i let you get away?
why did you have to utter those words?
why is the question that remains unmatched
the chaos flutters as dazed butterflies
poisoned and dying from the flower that fed the sweetest nectar
i am bewildered, battered, and torn
i am depleted, afraid, and bare
i am

i am heartbroken

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HEARTBREAK: Part 2

simon’s narrative

HEARTBREAK
the determined terror and pain
the cliché of punctures and stabs
all the same words of wounds
wisdom has deserted me
and all i’m left with is guilt
casting an injury hurts as equally as the cut received
now i lie in my desolate pit
unmoved, frightened to make another move
dazed as the sun sets to nights and nights grimace
as the shadows dance up the ceiling
tumbling and rumbling their next decree
no ease, no peace
the torment’s a constant spitfire
no extinguisher for relief
no meds, no prescription to atone
all that’s wrong with me
my heart has shattered and i miss you more
the dark calamity without a lead
the trial of our hearts and my felony
dig my self a hole where i will rest for a while
stocked with belligerent feelings and heed

BROKEN GLASS
live in my house of glass
until the storm hits and the rocks fly
i have become too comfortable in my shelter
of delusions and self-inflicted lies
face the truth easier said than done
easier to bury all the secrets and never utter
the past that gnawed at my soul
you were the unlucky recipient
of the assembly of my tarnished memories

live in my house of glass
as it shatters, cuts, and i bleed
the collapsed foundation that never existed
pain struck
can’t call in sick-day when i’m feeling blue
as i revealed everything to you
exposed, transparent
and i’m not good enough

house of broken glass
vibrating walls
the cherry red lips sealed
inside my palms your stored kisses
i caught them all
as you fell through the roof
and fractured the unsteady foundation
but the jagged edges wounded you to a greater extend
i’m sorry
an apology from a man in a house of broken glass
not the same

jacob’s narrative

HEARTBREAK
soak my grievances in the puddle
the bad actor, the love reaper
learn my new heart
the price of our adrift love
playing our greatest hits
to the somber pitiless music
rip my guts out
that’s how it feels
unnerving and disabled
the bottomless well of sorrows and pain
your kisses, oh how they sting now
all the metaphors in the world
won’t mend my broken heart
the bullet from the smoking gun didn’t miss
your aim was good after all
and my heart, an easy target
a bullseye

VODKA
twelve capsules
one for every other hour of the day
spilled on the counter
and a shot of vodka
my medicine mix
like a dare as my mind spins
wouldn’t be wise to simply drown
in all the mess
hibernating beast awakens from his sleep
oh god, let me rethink
what i’m about to do
the attempt to numb all feelings through
the end
to be drifting away from you

TEETERING
weaponized slings and arrows
shoot through the sound of hooves
the fortune’s gone
the thief has fled the shop
famished
sort through the trash
to feed the soul and the heart
the unhealthy habits
splinters bring up all that has elapsed
the magnetic and the majestic
burrow in the anguish and black water
as i am teetering on madness
my impoverished and astray heart

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HEARTBREAK: Part 3

simon’s narrative

TORN
forgive myself, well that’s doubtful, but it’s a cause for relief.

time doesn’t heal. it never did. if anything i hate myself more, now that i hurt the person i loved the most. my heartbreak takes the form of my guilt. i am a useless friend, a selfish lover, a poisoned mind. all the dead seeds. nothing to sow. nothing to grow but anger that multiplies and feeds.

torn the feathers in midst of flight. an exhausted bird falls to its demise. dropping furiously with the wind. the spiral that ingests my righteous believes. i cannot live in parallels and antonyms. be a nice guy with a kind heart then make you hurt and bleed. i love and i hate to love. how can i possibly deal with the eruption of high and lows and remain sane? the unfair call. stripped and raw. picked and ripe. the split.

NEVER
never to forget you
never to let you go
always to remind you
always to answer your call
never to forgive oneself
never to get better
always be stupid
always be scared
never to learn
never to change
always the teacher of the wrong things
always the bastard unhinged

GOODBYE
goodbye my lover
the songstress sings
as the heart breaks
as the tears are not spared
the precedent has been set
all the breakups hold the same terms
and i fling from the precipice
hoping for a soft landing
what a miss
a misguided reel
it never ends in the middle ground
someone’s left
cheated

jacob’s narrative

FAITH
creep your way out of the cave
dig yourself out from the deceit
organize the evidence
not to make a case
rather understand
but it’s hard to see the logic while pain seeps
sleeping giant wakes from dreaming
reality hits like a wrecking- ball
needed wreckage done to rebuild
a shimmering skyscraper
high above the caves of scorn hearts
and life missed
so go on living
take the ache and the foe
plant a step and leap
not everyone was forgotten
friends and faith can help cure what ills

SKATING
the frozen river and i fell through
i didn’t wait long enough
for the frost to bite the winter
my blades sharpened to a knife
i skated to early before the edges dulled
and carved a perfect circle
as the loop above my head dangled
begging to push off
the bitter and the cold
i trembled exhausted fighting to exist
in the collapse, under the weight
i hanged the skates across my shoulder
the arctic winds blessed my heart
my face torn by the sleet
it didn’t matter
my skin needed to feel the ice
the punishment was a welcoming relief
because time skates by
and i arrived a little farther and away

BLAMELESS BLAME
no blame
no harsh words
only pain
excruciating pain
make it stop
take it all away
come my angel
answer me God
anything to make it all better
pull the sheets off of me
help me dress
tend to the wounds
turn off the alarm in my heart
detonate the bomb
un-press the pause button
make it un-rain
the storm has gone and left the mess
the thunder swarmed the hive
i can no longer be upset
my tears hold no revenge
only the sound is mute
the screams belt out their last air
the blameless blame
no one’s left
when both are casualties
and neither is the felon
if only to one and self

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RUINS AND ASH: Part 1

simon’s narrative

ARMOUR
take off my armour and cry
the days have been heavy and dark
the storm that washed my happiness away
stay
look at me
please forgive me
as the moments pass
nothing’s said
but the edges are less sharp
memories become fickle and stray
rewind, my muse
your lips to my heart
nothing’s broken and we’re all right
if only for now

RESURRECT
a residue of you left behind
dispensing our romance
but i was quite comfortable in the ruins
compensating with my penance
but no, that wasn’t enough
you command to strip me from the chains
dismantle my plans, purge my rage
don’t stand before me with promises
a lantern that guides through the perishing land
a failing flame falling to the deep unknown
reluctant
i’m sucked into the vortex of polarizing emotions
but the push comes as fast as the rapid current
with no lifeline to cultivate an escape
i need you
i want you
hang my ambitions dry
the fog submerged chasing the superficial wounds
your resilience, pure magic to captivate once again
stranding me along the dust and empty roads
only to resurrect something that once faltered
an ego of cherished unicorn
crucify my logic and deter my reasoning
i am yours

RESUME
love where have you gone?
resume your pulse
let me know that you want to reside here

did you miss me?
did the wounds throb and bleed?
of course, they did
otherwise, you wouldn’t be standing in front of me
listening
waiting patiently
you, love, have no end

burst of light
because your smile meets mine
the tides change course
yes, it’s unthinkable but happening
love, you have returned

jacob’s narrative

YOUR TEARS
your tears on my pillow
shedding the stones that have weighed you down
the silhouette that has danced its last waltz
because the surf consoled and advised
the bottle filled with a lost letter, a vow of a future
ash and blue as the sky casts in fiery orange
the haze of the world through its fury
but it all ends with you melting into my arms
the champion to smooth your edges
and your squeeze, the liberation from the prison of the day
the supplement that feeds your qualm
and i’m the antidote seeping through
my touch, my words, the music that soothes you asleep
but here
your tears on my pillow
as i’m no longer your hero
no longer an alleviation from your ailments
the air that lifts into space
and carries you through the saddest nights
the burlesque and the mischief only to be choked with doubts
pull the rustic blanket over your head and disappear
to be selfish, the self-centered spy
that catches himself in all but lies
pardon my guilt but i am weak
the flourishing clown that evokes dissolution
a quake to strike you off your feet
the shrieking sound as i am pulling my hair out
but here i stand before you all grown up
saturate with fake courage but it’s enough for you to believe
all is well

your tears on my pillow
the night scrambled another figure of perfection
and brought it down to his knees
i’ll scram plenty to pull another trick
i’ll fold my hands with yours, wipe your tears, and pray
only to see you surface to the top once again

NOT THE SAME
second chorus is not the same as the first
the intensity of the message has gone
but the tone carries the same tune
a flicker of heartbeat for a faint life
breathe air into me and i will find you in the passage
the path has gained new trees
the stones have cracked
time has aged the hands and our hearts
your eyes tremble, mine rest with doubt
it’s not the same as the past
the rain washed us to the gutter out to the open
i’m here, your friend
no matter what
but it’s not the same as the first try
as the first kiss
and the last goodbye

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