real time with jacob

Fear and Therapy

The last six months have been difficult. The most difficult was lacking the ability to formulate a sentence and write. The loss of joy in doing simple things and living got me stuck and immobile.

I have stopped doing to-do lists but it seems that hasn’t helped either. Being unorderly simply creates more chaos and I cannot handle that either. Lately, I have been listening as much as possible to a guided meditation for sleeping and positivity. At least it has been helping me to calm down. Not sure if I have mastered yet to calm my mind completely as I am still unable to sense my physical form. Cannot align it with gravity and my mind.

It took a year, but I finally decided to seek out help. Because of the pandemic, I got access to a virtual individual Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) and that’s wonderful. At least it brought me back out to the light. I am still waiting for the conclusive verdict but it has only been one session. Eleven more weeks to go. Hopefully, at the end of the twelfth week, I manage to master silence and silence the chaos.

This week I also started a therapeutic support group for creative writing run by a local Mental Health social service. It starts with prompts and 10-minute intervals for writing. I realized that sharing my scribbles publicly and being concise are two of my challenges. Sharing without reading my work aloud and allowing others to interpret it is safer. Hearing my voice trembling to spill my stories is terrifying. However, I am hoping that it will jump-start my mind and my writing as this is the first time that I have written anything in the past six months.

I have finally allowed myself for a brief moment to formulate a sentence, a paragraph, and an answer to my homework. “What are my goals from the CBT treatment?” I figured that maybe first I need to define what it is that I fear. And I fear losing my mind and my voice. Fear is shitty and this confession took two weeks to write.

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